My right leg is withering away! I noticed a few day ago that my right leg was looking a little thinner than my left leg. And then, last night, when I took the boot off to take a shower, the difference was really noticeable. The right shin bone is now very prominent because the muscle on my calf and shin seems to have just shrunk clear away. And I guess it has. It’s atrophying. It’s normal in this situation. This happens when you don’t use your leg for a long time. But still, it’s a little freaky. I can encircle my right leg with my hands now. Ick. It’s sort of giving me the heebie-jeebies, just thinking about it.
I’m starting to put some weight on the foot again, but I’m nowhere near ready to walk on it. That’s going to be slow-going. I’m all paranoid that I’m going to do something horrendous and reinjure the broken bone. Granted, the boot is there to stabilize it and prevent that from happening, but it also makes me that much more awkward and ungainly.
I admit I felt a little despair earlier today. I found myself thinking, “I’m never going to be able to walk again like this.” And rationally, I know that’s not true. But when you’re standing precariously on one leg and one boot, with one knee a couple inches higher than the other, due to the raised sole of the boot…well, it seems like it’s never going to happen. And I found myself clutching my crutches in anxiety and thinking about how it’s really going to seem like forever before I can drive again if I can’t even imagine walking.
Will you indulge me for just a few sentences? I miss wearing two shoes. I miss being able to hop out of bed. I miss being able to easily get in and out of the bathroom. I miss walking up and down the stairs. I miss being able to go out and get the mail. I miss being able to pick up my baby son and carry him around the house to soothe him when he’s upset. I miss being able to go upstairs and fetch my papers off the printer when I need them, instead of having to summon my four-year-old to interrupt his Lego-building and fetch them for me. I miss driving. I miss not having to arrange for other people to take my son to preschool. I miss going to the grocery store and picking out my own food. I miss being able to just stand under the stream of water in the shower and enjoy it. I miss being able to get food in and out of the fridge without help. I miss being able to hurry to answer the phone when it’s not sitting right by me.
Okay. I’ll stop feeling sorry for myself now. Three weeks into this mess, I guess the hardest part is over. At least I know that I will be able to stumble along by myself–somehow–before too much longer. But I think I need a confidence booster to get to that point.